I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes, but those were just long lost memory of mine..
Emotionless - Good Charlotte
Yep, my lifelong belief was stomped on again today. But this time, I don't feel anything anymore. And that is how I realise my belief was already shattered, left lying on the floor. I look at it with indifference, while I mock myself with irony. My heart does not ache, nor twinge. There's no anguish, no pain, no misery, nothing. It was all replaced by sarcasm, mockery and weariness. I'm tired of hating, cursing and crying. I can't imagine how she feels if I already suffered so much.
Hatred? Anger? Broken? Or just numbness?
Memories? The second when he stepped out of the line, they're gone. I lost a significant part of my life.
I was always told money is the measure of success. You can't possibly be happy if you can't afford the things you want. All my life, I was striving for that, striving for excellence, striving for pride, striving for success. Money was all I saw in my future. I needed to get a superb degree to get a great job that pays me a lot. That was my goal in life.
I've seen a lot of broken families, crippled childhood, collapsed entities. Yep, I'm only 20, but yet I already saw so much. I blamed it all on monetary failure: with no money, no one would go anywhere. The answer seemed even more obvious for me, money was the solution to everything.
But I was wrong. It wasn't monetary failure, it was greed. It is greed that tears a family apart, the greed for lust, the greed for love, the greed for youth. There's no wrong raising kids as a single parent. But the kids' lives would always have an empty slot. They would never understand what it felt like to have both parents strategising to sneak a present in their Christmas socks, what it felt like to see parents arguing and kissing each other after, what it felt like to have a father or a mother, what it felt like to have loving parents.
No matter how long you train someone to be brave, you never know if they are or not until something real happens.” ― Veronica Roth, Insurgent
Looking at myself in the mirror, I scoff.
I am an idiot, an idiot who looks just like him. I feel the very urge to tear off my nose and punch myself in the face. I don't want to look like him. I don't even want anything to do with him anymore. I want to drain my blood, I want to destroy my genetic codes, I don't even want to be in a human form. My name is a disgrace of human race.
I am disgusted. Very disgusted.
I can't embrace my identity anymore, I just can't. Having even the slightest similarity with him is driving me crazy. I f*cking hate the one's looking at back me in the mirror. No matter how many mirrors I break the same person would always look at me, mocking at my hatred, my denial.
I don't want to admit that we're blood related, b'cause from that moment onwards, we are not anymore. I'd rather believe that DNA Paternity Test was utter bullshit and that it being positive was all a coincidence. I'd rather believe in that 0.01%. I'd rather believe that humans are still incapable of DNA sampling.
I deny that he is biologically related to me. I deny that he has been a part of my life since birth. I deny all memories contained him. I deny all advises given. I deny deny and deny.
No matter how much I deny, how much I hate, how much I loathe, deep down there's a voice shouting
If you ever came across this blog, or even this post,
tell me why,
Why do you have to tear everything apart?
What else do you want that we cant give you?
Why do you have to ruin all that we share?
It's too late now.
Nothing can be done to fix it.
I'll never forgive you.