36. Love?

I wake up in the morning, I brush my teeth, I cook, I eat, and I study. My daily routine. Sometimes, I lose sight of what I wake up to. On those days, I would just lie on my bed, and stare into nothing. I'm searching for something, something I still lack. But, where do I begin my search when I don't even know what I'm hoping to see at the end of my journey?

I still feel something hollow deep inside, and it's shouting to be filled up. What is it? What is it that I still need? A Chanel purse, or a whole lots of cash won't be able to calm it down. I need something more, personal, perhaps something that only I can feel. 

What is it?

Every night when I go to sleep, I ask myself the same question over and over again, "what is it that you still need?". I feel very much suffocated. I feel lifeless. I feel empty. I'm dying inside, bit by bit. 

Perhaps that's why a person like me doesn't stay single for long. I need someone to remind me the purpose of my life, the end goal of my daily routine, and that I deserve to be loved. But it isn't easy to love someone who wanders like me. I question about life, about myself, and at the end of the day, about love. I see love as a tool for someone to gain utility from it. But in order to utilise your tool, you have to first sacrifice. I see love as a selfish desire, desire to make oneself feel belonged and secured by sacrificing for another. I see love as a poison, a poison that kills slowly. 

So I run away. I try to escape from love. I question my lover, and I design arguments and disagreements. Like all other players in this game of love, I feel hurt and broken every time I do it. But it makes me feel alive, and it continues to spark my interest in the game, and it keeps me in the game. I turn this game into an experiment, to test my hypothesis that love doesn't last. So I continue to challenge my lover with harder obstacles and the hardest of all, to accept who I really am. 

He stays, and I fall deeper. 

35. It's Always the Darkest Before the Dawn

Yesterday, May 5th 2013, marked one of the darkest and dirtiest day of Malaysia in its history. The ruling coalition that has been ruling Malaysia for more than 50 years retains its power, drowning many dreams of Malaysians who wished for a change for their beloved nation.

I was one of them. My stance in Malaysia's politics is clear and impartial. I do not support BN, nor do I stand for PKR. I purely believe that power lies in the people's hands. We can bring any party glorious victory, we can also bring any party shameful failure. I believe that our country's future lies in our hands, and we are the only ones who know what's best for the nation and the people. We share the equal interests with the nation. 

Today, I realised no matter how hopeless the situation back at home seems to me, I will always be a true Malaysian at heart. Although I was miles apart from home, I shared the equal tension and passion for my nation as the rest of you back at home. With my other Malaysian fellows in Warwick, we spent almost 6 hours waiting for the final official results while confusing ourselves with different online sources. 

I prayed for a clean and fair election, but God has failed me this round. I was angry, frustrated, disappointed, let down. Meanwhile, my belief was proven right. Looking at the high rate of turnover votes and the magnificent magic tricks pulled out by the politicians, it wasn't difficult to see that the politicians were worried. They had realised our power, and the possible consequences of their failure in attaining power. 

I don't know if anything is going to change. I'm not sure if Malaysia will be led to destruction. I'm not sure if the ruling coalition will start doing something to improve our national security.

Despite all the disappointments and darkness surrounding our nation and our people, I see hope. Our people are not as ignorant and uninformed anymore. Our people are fearless, and we have realised our power. And this my friend, will one day bring glory to the nation we love. 

Oh well, nothing can be done now! We can only wait and see how the next five years turns out for Malaysia.

Here're some happy photos!

Vienna!

Budapest!

Prague!

Hungary, Austria, Czech Republic checked! :D 2 years 3 months, 6 countries, and still counting. 

34. Friends

I recently received a message (to be exact, comment) from an old friend of mine. Although the blog post was published long ago and I felt a lot better than how I was back then, I was really touched after reading the message. And that was when I realised, I really suck at keeping friends.

My friendship with her was a really close one. She was my best friend back in lower secondary school. We used to talk about everything! I was a frequent visitor at her home, and we often played PS2 at her place. I remember sharing my dreams with her. I wanted to be a scientist, to find cure for AIDS. I wanted to be a world class violinist. I wanted to be so many things! We became librarians together, we even joined the cheer team in school. 

But when I left SSB, I abandoned all I had, including her. Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoyed her company and I valued our friendship, but somewhere deep down in my heart, I was afraid to disappoint her with my misdeeds. I couldn't face her. I couldn't bring myself to tell her my darkest secrets. I couldn't bear the thought of her judging me. Until now, the fear still persists. 

As I grew up, I bridged precious friendships with other people, but I left them as soon as they heard the rumours. Only few of them stayed and don't judge me in any way (I hope). After high school graduation, I let the distance slip in between my friends and I again. I was back at the origin point, with zero friends. When I went to college, I swore to keep my friends and start doing something about the distance. Currently, I still keep in contact with some of my close friends in college. But, I'm not doing a good job.

Friends, I miss all of you. 

I'm sorry for letting the distance between us grow,

and not making enough effort to keep all of you.

I don't mean to sound mushy but

you guys constitutes a big part of me

whatever happened or will happen

I hope I can still pick up my phone and tell you this

"Hey bitch, wanna grab lunch?"

33. Self Disappointment

Lost.

I'm turning 21 in a few months time, but I'm as lost as I was when I was 18. Did I grow at all? I've changed, but for the better or worse? I had many dreams, but now I have none. I'm still at this cross road while watching everyone leaves me behind.

Everyone said I'd eventually find my path. But how do I find one when I don't even know where I plan to head to? Follow your dreams they said, but what do I follow when I don't have one? Do what you love, but what do I love to do?

Bright and loud, that was how I was back then. I remember hating being all of that, so I changed. And now, I pray hard so I won't bump into anyone I know to avoid conversations. Now, I miss the old me, and I hate who I am now. Will I ever love myself?

I can't remember any moment when I was proud of myself. Perhaps everything I did, was plain disappointment.

32. Dragon

It has been more than 3 years since I last saw him. I almost forgot that our paths once crossed, almost forgot that I was once crying over him. All I could remembered was how it all ended. Bitter and painful. I stumbled upon his FaceBook wall just now, and I happened to saw a few new photos of him. One photo caught my attention. It was a photo of him wearing the couple shirt we used to have. And that was when I realised the power of time.

It took me courage and tears to walk away from this man who I loved. I used to think that I'd never forget him, and I'd never forgive what he did. And now, I can only vaguely remember the fond memories we had. I have to go to the dusty corner of my mind and open that small little box. All it contains are just faded pictures of us, and the long lost familiarity. It makes me question if it ever happened.

He constitues a very huge part of my high school life. We were in different classes, but we studied together. We went in the same society, and we played violins together in an ensemble. We were both very different people, but our differences were bridged by friendship, and eventually, admiration.

At some point, something went wrong. I'd never know how, why or even when. I don't even know what the last straw was. It just happened. I demanded answers to those questions. But he stayed silent. For months, I was searching for the answers. I fell in despair.

One day, I stopped trying. I finally embarked on the journey of recovery. All we had didn't matter to me anymore, but I still felt the rage from the heartbreak. Anger and the feeling of undeserving pushed me forward. I wanted to prove that he made a huge mistake.

Have I succeeded? I'll never know. I remember he once told me that he'd still read this blog though we broke apart. Perhaps, it is one of the reasons why I'm still blogging.

If you're reading this now, yes, I'm still living. I grew up, and I became stronger. Thanks to you, I finally knew what I was looking for, and I think I found it.

31. .

I'm at the verge of losing myself. I screwed up everything.

I screwed up my studies.
I screwed up my work.
I screwed up my life.

My entire world is so screwed up that I don't even know where to begin fixing.

30. What now

Tests are coming up, and I haven't done any of my essays. I'm trying hard to be productive, but somehow everything I do fails. Urgh.

Frustration. Disappointment. Work. Loneliness. The only things I have in life now. Somehow, I forgot the last time when I was truly happy. I forgot how to make friends. And worse, I forgot how to be happy. The last time when I was carefree was when I was drunk in the club.

Now I'm pathetic.