I still feel something hollow deep inside, and it's shouting to be filled up. What is it? What is it that I still need? A Chanel purse, or a whole lots of cash won't be able to calm it down. I need something more, personal, perhaps something that only I can feel.
What is it?
Every night when I go to sleep, I ask myself the same question over and over again, "what is it that you still need?". I feel very much suffocated. I feel lifeless. I feel empty. I'm dying inside, bit by bit.
Perhaps that's why a person like me doesn't stay single for long. I need someone to remind me the purpose of my life, the end goal of my daily routine, and that I deserve to be loved. But it isn't easy to love someone who wanders like me. I question about life, about myself, and at the end of the day, about love. I see love as a tool for someone to gain utility from it. But in order to utilise your tool, you have to first sacrifice. I see love as a selfish desire, desire to make oneself feel belonged and secured by sacrificing for another. I see love as a poison, a poison that kills slowly.
So I run away. I try to escape from love. I question my lover, and I design arguments and disagreements. Like all other players in this game of love, I feel hurt and broken every time I do it. But it makes me feel alive, and it continues to spark my interest in the game, and it keeps me in the game. I turn this game into an experiment, to test my hypothesis that love doesn't last. So I continue to challenge my lover with harder obstacles and the hardest of all, to accept who I really am.
He stays, and I fall deeper.